Emperor

Hi!!!
so uh emperor: my relationship with my father. lets Overshare On The Internet, shall we?
I love my dad a lot, and i know he loves me (contrary to the psychopath that is my mother). He accepted relatively well the fact im a lesbian and now learned about nonbinary experiences, uses my correct name and pronouns, (since i stopped having contact with them he freaked out and did a lot of effort).
But. I don’t trust him, because he almost killed me on several occasions (physical abuse), accused me of being the plague of the household whenever i tried to fight back my mother’s torture, manipulated me a lot, made me believe my issues were nothing, participated in the god-like worshipping of my mother, and basically did everything he could to redirect her violence towards me (and not him). I’ll never forgive him for staying with the monster that is his wife, and making me believe I WAS the monster who tortured her.
He tricked himself into thinking we were a loving functional family and ignored on purpose every red flag; and he took it on me everytime his fantasy and our reality were too widely different for him to acknowledge them both.
He also wanted me to be his dream and (fun fact) literally tried to kill me once (i was 11) when i told him i wanted to stop playing the piano.
He profited off the hatred my mother felt towards me to be a little more protected. He literally was complicit in my own dehumanising.
He also refused to allow visibility to any symptom of my mental illnesses, because he feared for his social status. (Im talking severe things, like rape, torture, and pedophilia as well as neurodivergence and trauma).
Basically, he’s weak, and he loves me, yes, but ultimately he’s just a tool in my mother’s hands. So im careful not to tell him anything personal.