Tag: wheezing

softheartedbutch:

thefiresontheheight:

softheartedbutch:

softheartedbutch:

softheartedbutch:

softheartedbutch:

high five if you’re one of those sensitive look-away-from-the-camera-while-smirking butches with the broody poetry and the v necks with the cardigans

you know the ones, the ones that go for walks by themselves with their headphones on listening to obscure female folk singers and bringing home cool rocks in their pockets to show to no one

they’re probably a writer or they play an instrument. or both. they’re dressed in soft blues and blacks and they have a collection of obscure queer literature that they read while they drink unsweetened early grey with the windows open so they can hear the rain

i am literally talking about myself but also! you know this is a thing. everyone knows this lesbian though they probably rarely see or hear from them bc we’re all hiding in our houses reading caitlin r. kiernan and listening to big thief

I’m more of a “challenge you to an arm wrestling contest behind Taco Bell and lose” kinda butch but I appreciate the hell out of you.

yess. true solidarity.

hey op id like you to disable the cameras youve somehow managed to put in my house ok thank you have a nice day

theblackelf:

moxperidot:

emperor-of-roses:

a while back my best friend linked me to a thread on homemade My Little Pony transformation hypnosis tapes

that’s a really loaded sentence so let me ease into it

they were like, hour long recordings you were supposed to lay down and listen to and focus on nothing else, that started off with some relaxation techniques then eased into like, “feel your hands becoming hooves. remember pinkie pie’s happy memories. imagine yourself literally becoming pinkie pie. imagine your pink mane. you are literally pinkie pie”

all with the goal of putting you in a mental state where you were convinced you were this cartoon pony. and it was full of people like “wow! this was so relaxing. i felt like i literally Became rarity”

the problem is that human brains are kind of, buggy? so people, especially if they listened to the tapes too much, started like, accidentally going to this mental state they’d created at random inopportune times. the thread was suddenly full of people desperate to know how to stop it because they were turning into rainbow dash in the middle of driving on a highway to work, or whatever

anyway, i’m just burdened with that knowledge forever, now. i think about it a lot

this post radiates unfathomable amounts of dark energy

this post is contemporary Lovecraft

gallusrostromegalus:

crescent-the-grumpy-bunny:

gallusrostromegalus:

Mochi is a chombly boi.

This is a problem because he likes to sleep on my chest and I’m a big fan of being able to breathe.

Look at his cute face

I will agree with “Cute” but there are people in the notes calling him “Trustworthy” and “Wise” and I need you to know that this is an animal that:

  1. Steals and eats straws, and when he couldn’t get the straw out of my thermos this morning, rage-batted it off the end table and broke it then
  2. Came crying to me to be cuddled becuase there was a loud noise and now water everywhere.
  3. He also tried to fight the postman through the window at 6 this morning, beating on the glass like a rabid chimpanzee and bellowing like an out of tune tsunami alarm.  I had to retrive him in my underwear.  The postman was very amused.

kneelinggirl:

koobaxion:

Man okay when I got my wisdom teeth out it was a fucking experience. Before the surgery wasn’t too interesting but as soon as I woke up I saw the nurse next to me and was all like “hey… i think… i died… and now I’m in a parallel universe… and i gotta go back to my house and kill the me from this universe” and he was just kinda like “alright, you do that”. And then the other nurse kept going in and out of the room to get things and I thought there was like 5 of her that kept coming out of the room, and then so when she was wheeling me out in a wheelchair I was like “damn… why are there so many of you… there’s like 5 many of you” and she was just kinda like “alright, you do that”.

Anyway I got to the car and my dad was there and he was like “how ya feeling son” in the dadliest way possible and I was like “MAN I AM PUMPED LETS GET SOME JUICE I’M STARVED” so we drove about 3 blocks to a jamba juice, whereupon I say “I’m good I can do this” and run/drunkstumble 30 feet to the door. I burst in the door like a viking returning from some fucking battle and holler “WHATS UP FUCKS” to everyone in the store, which was thankfully just the 2 people behind the counter, who looked probably as scared/confused as a jamba juice employee could look.

So anyway, as my dad explained the situation I looked up at the jamba juice menu and was utterly fucking lost in it. Like I swear I was looking at this menu board for a year, deciphering this Rosetta stone of fruits. I distinctly remember that I was looking at each item in a smoothie, thinking of how it tasted, then moving on to the next thing and thinking of how that tasted, and how they would taste together. Since most smoothies had 3 or 4 items, this took some thinking. So my dad sees me in this extreme brain blast state of mind and says “hey are you going to order or what”. Keep in mind I’m on the first fucking smoothie on the list here. So I just say “shush man I’m trying to do fruit science”, and then when I realized that this process could take literal years, I just said “yeah give me a smooth regular” which for the uninitiated, isn’t actually a real thing on any menu. Oh, also I asked them if the “boosted” smoothies would give me super powers and then pointed my fingers at them and made “lightning noises”.

So my dad just orders me the first thing on the menu and I go to sit down and stare out the window or some shit and my thoroughly amused dad just looks at me and says “how ya feelin?”. Now at this time I was feeling a lot of things, but most noticeable to me was the gauze in my mouth, so I just look at him and say “there’s these fuckin… tiny sheep in my head” which at the time was the best way I had to convey this feeling. Anyway about that time, the jamba juice guy brings us our drinks and he gives me a small thing of mario kart stickers and I swear I almost cried from the tsunami of emotion that gift made me feel (I still have them).

Anyway the rest of the story is we drove home and I explained this programming project I was working on to my dad in perfect detail somehow and then I came home and went on facebook and posted a comment on my friends status (because I couldn’t find the status update bar) that read: “i just took a lort of painkillers and yelled at everyone in a jambo juice”

This may be the funniest thing I have ever read. There are actual tears coming out of my face.