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What an Abuser Does If You Are Leaving Him

Abusers’ Responses to a Possible Breakup:

• promising to change
• entering therapy or an abuser program
• not drinking, attending AA
• making apologies
• telling you that you’ll be lost without him
• telling you that no one else will want to be with you
• threatening suicide
• saying that you are abandoning him, making you feel guilty
• threatening to kidnap or take custody of the children
• threatening to leave you homeless or with no financial ressources
• turning very nice
• getting other people to pressure you into giving him another chance
• taking care of things that you have been complaining about for a long time (e.g., finally fixing a hazardous situation in the house, getting a job, agreeing that you can go out with your friends)
• behaving in self-destructive ways so that you will worry or feel sorry for him (e.g., not eating, drinking heavily, skipping work, never talking to his friends)
• spreading rumors about you, trying to ruin your friendships or reputation
• starting a new relationship/affair to make you jealous or angry
• insisting that he already has changed
• spreading confidential information about you to humiliate you
• threatening or assaulting anyone you try to start a new relationship with, or anyone who is helping you
• getting you pregnant
• stalking you
• physically or sexually assaulting you
• trashing your house or car
• threatening to harm you or kill you

― Lundy Bancroft, Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men; 2002

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