Tag: gino’s soliloquy

dont reblog pls (like/reply ok)

the fact i feel so disgusting trying to process the fact i experience sexual attraction comes probably not only from the shared experience of lesbianism but also from my mother who repetedly called me a rapist whenever i talked about girls i knew, who demanded to know everything about my relationship to them, made me believe that i, in fact, was a rapist and a degenerate and a manipulator willing to destroy innocent straight girls while pressuring them to have sex with me… i was forbidden to go sleep on my own at my female friends’…. she insinuated i only went to see my older writer friend (a woman who was like 35 when i was 15) (we were working on a literary project together) to “get laid” and that i even convinced her “a good straight woman” to become a “degenerate” with me and like….. i was (and still am) honest to god convinced i was a rapist at heart which is pretty rough because i am a rape survivor and she never acknowledged it (said it was my fault and that i had wanted it in the first place) so yea…. i feel gross and i wish i could just. turn my sexual attraction down. to be “pure” or something. and i know its silly but still 

epicene-writings:

Just another regular anecdote

… She had said, and i

Was sitting on the bed

I had not a right to anymore.

*

C’mon, i thought, you knew

This was bound to happen!

You’ve rehearsed the play over,

And over again;

You know exactly

What to do.

No suitcase, yet, but eventually

They’ll probably allow you one

Since she likes it when things are done

The way they ought to.

For now, your school

Backpack, your laptop, phone, and chargers;

Your textbooks, notebooks, school books

So as not to fall behind – Remember,

You have to get out of there.

(You know exactly

What to do.)

Then underwear, some pants, and shirts

And don’t forget

Your poetry book.

You’ll stand

Outside, on another street,

And give her a call; she’s your friend,

And got her own flat

In the city, after all.

She’ll surely offer shelter

For a few nights, and you’ll tell her

You’ll do the dishes, take no space

And be quiet. You know

How to be quiet; it’s been so long!

Quick! You’re running out of time,

And it’s not

As if you had ever liked this house

And the whole life she carved out

For you anyway.

You know exactly

What to do!

So why won’t you do it?

Now, why are you still sitting

On that bed? The cat

Isn’t purring in your lap;

You have no excuses

To delay your not-so-dramatic exit.

Quick! They want you

Out, so get out, and take

Your things, since

You know exactly

What to do!

*

And the door

Squeaked slowly, and he

– My father –

Stepped in, declared

Somber, and looking

At the window:

“Dinner’s ready. She

Changed her mind. You stay,

But she won’t eat with you

Or have contact anymore.

Now think

Of a proper apology.”

*

And i followed him

Through their house,

Then sat in the kitchen,

Eating her dinner.

epicene-street-light:

epicene-street-light:

dump nobody asked for but

really feel like im two people in a single body??? (ahem ahem dudeyoustoppedtakingyourschizophreniameds ahem) like im both super mystical and all but im also. a rationalist atheist somehow. im oscillating between two radically different personalities. the rational atheist is angry. the mad priestess is, well, mad and dissociating all day. and somehow im both but never at the same time and they take… turns? idk. weird

today in “i never told that story to the people who have enough power to lock me up in a psych ward again, but i figured i woud tell all of you”, Scary Mental Condition Edition

“Do The Gods Talk To Me Or Am I Just Crazy”: an autobiography

epicene-street-light:

dump nobody asked for but

really feel like im two people in a single body??? (ahem ahem dudeyoustoppedtakingyourschizophreniameds ahem) like im both super mystical and all but im also. a rationalist atheist somehow. im oscillating between two radically different personalities. the rational atheist is angry. the mad priestess is, well, mad and dissociating all day. and somehow im both but never at the same time and they take… turns? idk. weird

today in “i never told that story to the people who have enough power to lock me up in a psych ward again, but i figured i woud tell all of you”, Scary Mental Condition Edition

dump nobody asked for but

really feel like im two people in a single body??? (ahem ahem dudeyoustoppedtakingyourschizophreniameds ahem) like im both super mystical and all but im also. a rationalist atheist somehow. im oscillating between two radically different personalities. the rational atheist is angry. the mad priestess is, well, mad and dissociating all day. and somehow im both but never at the same time and they take… turns? idk. weird