the fact i feel so disgusting trying to process the fact i experience sexual attraction comes probably not only from the shared experience of lesbianism but also from my mother who repetedly called me a rapist whenever i talked about girls i knew, who demanded to know everything about my relationship to them, made me believe that i, in fact, was a rapist and a degenerate and a manipulator willing to destroy innocent straight girls while pressuring them to have sex with me… i was forbidden to go sleep on my own at my female friends’…. she insinuated i only went to see my older writer friend (a woman who was like 35 when i was 15) (we were working on a literary project together) to “get laid” and that i even convinced her “a good straight woman” to become a “degenerate” with me and like….. i was (and still am) honest to god convinced i was a rapist at heart which is pretty rough because i am a rape survivor and she never acknowledged it (said it was my fault and that i had wanted it in the first place) so yea…. i feel gross and i wish i could just. turn my sexual attraction down. to be “pure” or something. and i know its silly but still