furiousgoldfish:

Having abusive
parents, you learn to only care about things in secret. Liking things openly
becomes unsafe, because your parents notice, and it’s the first thing they’ll
take away from you the second they need to blackmail you. After a while it only
feels safe to not care about anything, to not want anything, and to not be
attached to anything, because then it can’t be used against you, they can’t use
it against you. You have to be apathetic if you don’t want to be openly
vulnerable to abuse. Eventually you learn to hide everything from everyone.
Even your friends don’t find out about it. Every pleasure feels like guilty
pleasure, like you’ll pay for it later. Your entire life becomes a secret that
feels too dangerous to tell anyone.