furiousgoldfish:

When I first got
sick with cptsd, one of the worst feelings that overwhelmed me was that I had no
right to exist. I felt like I didn’t belong here, anywhere on earth, and surely
people would realize I’m not one of them. I felt that in any second, some authority
would burst and grab me and declare that I wasn’t supposed to be alive anymore,
and then shoot me on the spot. I felt that if that happened, it would be
exactly what I deserved, after all I should have been dead long ago, I was
breaking some unwritten law by still walking the earth when I was long supposed
to be dead under it. It felt like being alive was a provocation, like not
killing myself already was a sin. It was hell being anywhere around people
because I expected to be killed anytime, for my sheer nerve to show myself around
people. Did anyone else deal with this?