it was never about him

starryuniverse:

This is how it goes

You sit on a couch surrounded by people

You’ve been preparing a performance

For months with them

Sat in circles with eyes closed,

Writing about intentions,

Talking about self care,

Finding a way to talk about things close to our heart

In front of a crowd,

A way to be vulnerable

And it makes you feel naked

Like they can see into a corner of your life that’s been stuffed inside you

A time far away, back in high school

But still something that’s being worked out in your mind

And you figure out while you’re doing it

It was never about him

And you know

It’s true when you talk about how beautiful you thought the girl was,

How you would compare yourself

Just to find what was wrong with you

When really you were still hiding it deep down

And when you perform a part of you feels like you’re lying

Because the way you say it,

Maybe it seems like you really did have a crush on him

Even if you say it was a “so-called crush”

But it’s too much to change it and you’re there

And when you were going through it, it was real,

You were full of emotion

Pent up or repressed

Coming out in weird ways

But that was being a teenager in high school.

So you’re sitting on the couch,

And a game starts,
Everyone talking about a boy they’d ask on a date

And you can see by the way they talk

That it means something,

But when it comes to you,

You realize you have nothing to say

About the one boy you were thinking of mentioning

Except maybe he has a cute smile

But does it really mean enough to talk about?

You say “no, I can’t think of anyone.”

But someone else mentions him

And you feel a flood of relief as you say “me too”,

hinging onto normalcy.