cocacolacrewneck:

I’m slowly coming to terms with the homophobia I have experienced in my own life and family. I was fooled, as I believe many are, to believe the myth that homophobia can only take form in blatant insults and hatred. I now know that it takes many forms.

My coming out as lesbian was complicated for me due to my history of abuse and compulsory heterosexuality. When I first came out, I told my mother I was bisexual, to which she responded that it “made sense I wanted the farthest thing from him” (my abuser.) and that I would “eventually have to choose men or women.” This is insulting on many levels, not only invalidating my sexuality, but continuing to speak of my life and actions as under the control of my abuser, as well as insulting my character by suggesting I was using my partner and not truly interested in her as an individual. Not to mention how biphobic it is, despite the fact that I do now identify as lesbian, it is obvious that she would not “accept me no matter what” as she claims.

The reaction shocked me. I thought, but my family is sooo accepting!!! I was taught to treat everyone equally, and that gay was ok!!! But what a lie that was. I was taught that gay was okay, sure. But I wasn’t taught this in the scope that I could be gay- or anyone in my family for that matter. I was taught that gay was something you were born knowing, something I wasn’t and couldn’t be. It wasn’t something we really talked about either; it never went further than surface level. Again, “of course we accept it, no questions asked.” But I do have a few questions.

• Why wasn’t I talked to about homosexuality as a child? Why, when I asked what lesbian meant, was I met with “Where did you hear that?” as if lesbian was a dirty, nasty word a sweet innocent child like me shouldn’t be overhearing or repeating?
• Why, when I came out, did so many reply that they “always knew” or that it “made sense,” when none had ever spoken to me about it before? Why, when my grandfather called my mother to discuss his suspicions about my sexuality, did neither approach me directly to talk about it?
• Why did I not know my that my uncle was gay until after he committed suicide? If we all accepted him, supported him, loved him, why did you hide this from your children, and why did he feel he needed to hide it as well?
• Why, when I was a child, preteen, and teen, at a time I was feeling quite different from the other girls my age, uncomfortable with boys, crushes, and sexuality, quoted over and over again to say “I just don’t like boys” – why was I constantly beraded with questions and messages like “Do you have a boyfriend?” “How many boyfriends do you have?” “Do you have a boyfriend yet?” “You must get so much attention from all the boys at school.” “Which boy do you like? Come on, you have to like someone.”

Please, stop teaching your children that gay is only okay for other people, for men, for gold stars, for adults. Stop teaching your children that gay is okay but should be hidden. Stop being false allies while directly contributing to the culture of compulsory heterosexuality and homophobia. Stop teaching your children that they need to be sexualized. Stop teaching your children that there is something wrong with them if they are not defined by others. Stop equating acceptance with shame.